I’m a terrible cook. I love restaurants but I have to admit find ‘food’ a bit boring. I never watch food TV or read food books. I cook about 5 things and I’ve little interest in learning new things. In my old life I would go to the best restaurants I could but I would always order the 50 year old classics as I knew I loved them and I could happily wolf them down and continue talking to my friends, which is what restaurants are really about. These days I work for one of the world’s greatest vegan chefs, so, to sort of quote Jules Winnfield, ‘that pretty much makes me a vegan too’.
Vegan food it turns out, is different. There aren’t any classics yet. It’s all new. It’s like in the 1970s when they invented the synthesiser. Music completely changed. But I leave the invention to the professionals. I just want to eat the normal things I like, like hamburgers. Now I have to eat them vegan, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure the burger is exactly like the old one.
So this year I tried just about every patty, bun, cheese, onion combinations. Went down the relish route (don’t). Tried the sauces. Did the Mac sauce (good but over eggs the pudding somewhat). Finally I struck gold with the finest most perfect hamburger combination there is. And this is how you make it.
Ingredients
- Beyond meat patty
- Cheap processed squishy buns - I’ve found Warburtons the best
- Violife vegan cheese slice
- Large brown onion
- Gherkin
- Iceberg lettuce
- Heinz ketchup
- French's American Mustard
- flora plant spread
- olive oil
- Vegan Aromat
- Maldon Salt
Patty
I don’t want to hear any more about vegan processed food. If you’ve ever eaten a digestive biscuit, or a Pringle, then you’ve eaten the most ultra processed food ever invented. Meat itself is processed food, it is second hand protein, processed into flesh cells by the digestion system of an animal, after eating plants. Meat from another carnivore is unpalatable, very difficult to digest, and far lower in nutrition. It's third hand protein. This is why we almost exclusively eat herbivores. Protein all comes from plants in the first place.So ultra-processed Beyond Meat is the best patty for me. If it’s ok for Honest Burger and Neat Burger, it’s ok for me. It has the right texture, it looks and feels just like a normal burger. No horrible mushroom or soy flavours overpowering it. It’s basically mushy peas on steroids. I’m looking forward to trying Neil Rankin's Simplicity inventions, which ridiculously I haven't yet, and also and I'm excited about Dave Ahern's VeganPunk brand. Obviously I'm hoping Impossible will arrive soon, which ironically is a possible Brexit dividend, after the meat-loving EU blocked its sale because of some obscure ingredient upsetting some European beef farmers by making it taste too similar to real meat.
Bun
Very important. This most be a squishy, soft small bap, smooth texture, which collapses to mush in touch with water. Forget any artisanal buns or brioche, almost always too heavy or rich. I’ve found Warburtons pretty good. As AA Gill (I think) once said about bread for a bacon sandwich ’it should be like biting through a cloud’.Onion
Also very important. Onion is really the key ingredient, so much so that without raw onion, this hamburger shouldn’t be attempted. Has to be the large strong brown onions that make you cry. Don’t use shallots or red onion. If you’re feeling really bold, and your onion is big enough, slice an entire onion into one single slab covering the entire burger, In-N-Out style.Method
Take the patty and squash it into mince, take half, season with vegan Aromat then reform it to a rough flat lump. The more gnarly the better. you should new have quite a thin patty, think McDonalds hamburger. Place on a baking tray in a hot oven. After 5-6 mins turn over. After 10 mins add a slice of violife cheese slice. Remove when edges are quite dark brown. you don’t want rare at all for this.Take the bun and place both halves in a hot pan of Flora plant and olive oil. Fry very gently and quickly until browned but not burnt.
Place the lettuce on the bun using only the really crunchy inside bits not the floppy outside bits. Then the patty, then the onion. Add 3 thin gherkin slices. Add equal doses of yellow mustard & ketchup.
Serve with McCain oven french fries, sprinkled with Maldon Salt. These are the best fries I've found.
To complete the whole dry veganuary shizzle, pair with a bottle of Vandestreek Playground IPA (thanks for the tip @chrispople) it really is head & shoulders above most other no alcohol beers I’ve tried.
For more grown-up vegan food, you can get a Gauthier vegan box delivered nationwide, if I may say so myself they are superb and very inventive, completely changing each week.
Happy Veganuary!
